that old house had lights on. panes of light.

It's been in the air a lot lately. An equation I've been avoiding.
guy+girl.
I think I was thrown off.....in kindergarten...??? But really yes. Because somehow I was built in with this factor, the x factor where I wanted to be intelligent or something or somehow I was hyper aware of the seeming lack of depth of massive amounts of girls giggling together and accompanying each other to the bathroom. It has something to do with that. Or maybe copying the drawings of ma soeur who seemed to me to be independent, strong, cool and wearing flannel, having parties, and reading books. Or how I was always called upon to fill the role of the mean step-sister or witch in childhood games. Or when I was left alone to my own devices and I remember often playing at being a construction worker. Not that I'm butch. Hardly.
I just know that in high school I decided to try and master girl+intellectual, smart, eccentric. I mastered eccentric. But other than that I kind of turned into a failed poet.
Recently I've been trying for girl+I don't know all of the answers and I'm going to be wrong but viva la revolución!

I like to subtract boy.

Because I'm afraid of other things that might be subtracted.
Boy might not equal my music tastes, my people tastes, my fashion tastes, my food tastes, my movie tastes, my religious tastes, my political tastes, my philosophical tastes. And there are ways I know I could compromise. But there are some things I can't. For instance:
He must like Macs better than PC. I can't live in a house that runs Windows. I just know it. I think it would kill me a little bit each time I thought about a PC being part of my lover's soul. Linux, fine great, just don't get too techie on me. But Microsoft is a death machine.
And I would kind of have a problem if he didn't understand or at least respect that Balenciaga is better than some store in the mall.
Those might seem like terrible reasons to you but...
je pense, donc je suis.
This smart kid, Descartes, said that once.