now i am snappier (finger snapping snappier)

I've always known that I never want to see the future. It's too much to see outcomes before you make choices. I've thought about that this weekend because something happened yesterday that made me think of all the decisions I made this summer that had consequences I could never have imagined. And I'm about to make many more bigly-ramificated decisions.

I've never been in the habit of regretting anything. But sometimes I wonder how I would feel if I hadn't gotten out of that bus and walked back on that road and seen those people. And those children. The fact that I saw them is my only clue as to why I still get upset sometimes. Even though the images have faded, the way it felt still comes back.

I wanted to apologize that I keep making my blog a therapy vehicle but I don't think any of us are really clear on what blogs are supposed to be. And I read something today that made me think you shouldn't just love me for my brain. My whole life I've tried too hard to remain calm all the time. If I'm going to try to come to terms with my emotions, you are too, dangit.

I just wonder if I hadn't seen it, what would be different? Would the feeling of being suspended in the air when you drive over a bump still feel like five people dying?

This is only part of one choice I made this summer. Actually, decisions I made a year ago have been surfacing unexpectedly as well. Thus is the richness of life, I guess. Makes us linen instead of cheap, machine-knit jersey. Linen's pretty great.

Snappier rhymes with happier, by the way. Funny how we're a million things at once.