gut spillage or don't make me

I am constantly finding forks in my purse. I have to fish around for a minute to find anything else but forks? Forks are easy to find.

This is the state of my life: forkpurse. I get forkpurse because I can't wake up ever with enough time to eat breakfast at home and you don't even care because that part of the story is boring. Even though at work they think it's funny. They peak over my counter and say, "She's got her breakfast again!" "Have any to share with me?" etc. etc. etc. I'm the only one who finds forkpurse funny but it's also the first time I've tried that joke out.

It's not a joke.

Should we be honest here? (No.) I may be a moody person. For all that I'm a happy person I'm equally always falling into despondency and feeling blue (there must needs be opposites--never were truer words twain met. What?). This is probably normal. I mean, I assume this happens in a normal range of emotion. However, I've learned over time that if I don't do certain things even if I find them hard (particularly: talking about my feelings) I do actually become the real dictionary definition of depressed. Several years ago was one of those times. All those questions on the screening questionare could have been checked off if I'd done anything like that. I didn't. Instead I tried to join an eating disorder support group which refused me because it was March and they only take people at the beginning of a semester. I can see the reasoning but I was past my wits end. I finally talked with sweet Jbottoms who is ever and always there for me.

To be perfectly clear, I was not anorexic or bulimic or EDNOS or any of those other things at that time. I hadn't exhibited any of those behaviors in five years but all of those feelings and stuggles that led to those behaviors were still there. Why? Why after so many years of trying and working and learning about myself and even becoming a bit less shy, why were these feelings of worthlessness and hopelessness still there?

This is not where I meant to go with this. But I was thinking the other day that someday my epitaph could read "She never expected any of this."

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List of things I wasn't expecting to be part of my life and yet: 
moving back home
learning about insurance things like "named party vs. interested party" for work 
(I would like to go to an interesting party where I can name some people.) 

Also:  
teaching myself architectural design software
the weather to be jaw-ache brisk this morning
finding a steak knife in my forkpurse

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A year after working through that bout of depression I was not expecting that from time to time I would find myself feeling deeply hard-to-move-or-think sad for no reason. Still?! I raged at myself. Still?! Really?!! Yesterday I was so happy, why can't I just pull it together? There is no reason to feel this way! Why does this happen? What's wrong with me?

Did you know that that's no way to talk to yourself? Yourself doesn't really like it, it's not healthy. It's also really hard for me to not have these conversations sometimes. Particularly the part where I ask myself "Why?" I currently have a strict ban against "why" coming up in inner-dialogues. The first party to bring it up is muted and must spend the next half hour reading science blogs or calling friends on the phone. In which case she's not technically muted. Because I generally don't call people and give them the silent treatment.

The thing is, sometimes I can't help suddenly being sad for no reason––nay, not even à cause de the ill-reputed PMS––and sometimes sad is very heavy. But it's less heavy when I accept it as a state of being that is here now and will pass. And it's even less heavy when I try to learn what I can do with sad. If that makes sense. This possibly becomes too esoteric for my communication skills but mostly I try to make some special time while sad to work out my thoughts or burn a candle or rediscover my music collection. Wait, duh, you do that too, but... I can only find peace in these things if I accept being temporarily sad. There is no peace in doing them to make myself happy.