maybe the most important thing I'll ever have to write about

so I have a nephew. He's pretty cute.



There are some fears I've developed over the last year:
1. I'm afraid of birth control
2. because my own hormones are weird enough.
3. I escape into my thoughts or reading when women start having conversations about the more unpleasant aspects of being pregnant and giving birth.
4. Which is strange for me because usually I eat up things women tell me,
5. even the less pretty things,
6. because these are things I should know.
7. But these stories scare me more than reality does.
8. At least I hope so.

I love my sister and seeing her in labor was not scary for me. 
I wondered if I became a doula and was part of lots of births if I would not be so afraid of what has been part of womanhood since Eve. 
When I hear those stories of pregnancy and birth I want to cry with the weight of the pain of it all. It all seems mournful and unfair.
When I saw my sister all I could think is that she is the most beautiful woman on earth. This is my sister who I have adored since my birth. She has been my everything. I know that pout of her lip, her soft sweet voice, her opinionated voice, her careful and patient attention to every detail, the gentle way she does everything, her stubbornness. I wished I had brought some William Carlos Williams poetry to read to her at the hospital. She winked at me while she was in pain.

My sister is the most beautiful woman on the earth. When she was in labor it was not scary; I could often feel how joyful it was that she was giving birth. I would have been always joyful but there were some complications and they drag at your spirits, they do.

While my mother (who is also the most beautiful woman on the earth) and I waited for my sister and the baby to come out of surgery we held each other and my mother told me that as she watches my sister she thinks of how children make you a better person. "You make me a better person," she says as she squeezes me tightly. I think on our relationship and the things we've learned and I rest my head on her shoulder. I also think that it's hard to imagine my sister, who is already amazing, becoming better.







And then they brought out my baby nephew and I saw his little face.
I love him.