the city i'm in

I dreamed of looking like this when I was a child.
I don't, by the way.

My attitude towards what I do post-graduation is a combination of shooting for the furthest galaxy and despondency. When an idea pops into my head I say, "Why not?" Except that in my current outlook it sounds more like "Why not."

I'm applying for a job at the Sundance Film Festival.
The National Film Board of Canada's job listings page is now in my folder of websites I check just about everyday.
I'm planning on spending a couple of months in Hawaii.
A week to a month in Seattle. Or move there entirely. I want a big city.
Study Spanish and live in Spain for a month. Imagine Spain in May.
Work with troubled youth in Australia.

I really am seriously considering all of these things.

Because what do people like me do in my position? People who are passionate about and fascinated by everything but are dipping into morose-osity because they lack direction. People like me move to Israel and work on a kibbutz (something I've thought about doing since I was 19). I research my future by checking one-way ticket prices to places all over the globe. Right now my future is affordable because it's months away and I have no deadlines. I am completely and utterly flexible.

I don't promise I'll do all these things. In a way, I hope I don't. Not like this. I will see the world, but I'd hate to be a wanderer trying to find their way out of morose-osity. The way life comes to me I can never find my future. It's not until the present is ending that I suddenly find my new purpose. I dream up plans and purposes because why should I sit around for something to be handed to me on a plate, but it's like throwing weak magnets at a fridge and watching them slide slowly down.


I know it will work out.


But.

This time it's a big deal.
This time it's more stressful.
I'd like to have a purpose.

Did you know this is who I am inside?