mushy apple, mushy apple, mushy apple

I was going to take a nap.
Because I am exhausted.
As I have been since before the semester began.
But I'm too filled up with thoughts right now.
You see, in film classes they always talk about manipulation. Especially since I'm taking documentary classes right now, we talk about the effects of manipulation. But there is no way to escape the fact: no matter what you do as a filmmaker you will be manipulating your audience. Chaque jour I hear the immortal quote of John Grierson who defines documentary as the "creative treatment of actuality."
Blah, blah blah blah blah blah blah.
That's how I feel about that.
I'm taught about the manipulation and how I will be manipulating and I feel manipulated. It's not a bad thing to have an education. But when I'm tired and we talk about this subject everyday along with the mantra that to be ignorant and have an opinion is dangerous but it's even more dangerous to have read a book and have an opinion because then you think you know something. So they tell me I have to read four books on one subject to be a really ok person. But I have no time to do that. And then I watch ONE movie in class and write a paper on MY OPINION for class.
Today my teacher held up a tissue and asked us what it is. We all said tissue which he later joked was so frustrating when we answered correctly the first time. I have never called a tissue a Kleenex. And I was never aware of it until someone pointed it out in high school but I was able to promptly forget about it.
These classes leave me feeling hyper-aware of every atom of life and I want to wash it all out of my head sometimes.
I know it's cheesy to hold to quotes and I hate John Grierson's quote along with a whole list of other things that are harpooned into my brain every single film class I have, but I have one that I hold to and hope for a realization of, "Give me truths; for I am weary of the surfaces."
I want to wash out my brain.
I picked two of the liberal and artsy colleges at my university: Film and French. I have a large amount of liberal friends. I agree with lots of liberal teachings. But I don't want to agree with what I'm taught. It's like having things I've already accepted being taught to me at the same time I'm being called pretentious.
Thank you.
And the worst of the worst today, we now reached the hyper-aware mantra that we are artists and we believe art is best.
No. No no no no no no no no no no.
That's what I have to say about that.
It is most likely true.
And since I can't wash out my brain, I stay up and sometimes out late. It's the only form of rebellion I have since my professors have yet to realize that I leave my editing rough on purpose because I hate their smooth cuts and clean exits and entrances and I hate their rule of thirds and dénouement. The fuzz in my brain sometimes acts as a buffer from their hyper-aware-pretentious lectures. So instead of feeling like a deservingly criticized member of the bourgeoisie as I watch the Soviet documentary* in class I can sit there wracking my brain for the name of the Russian who pioneered the art/idea of juxtaposition in film.
Which I had to come home and google.
It was Kuleshov.

But I'm stuck, because I'm so happy when I have a camera in my hands and I love that documenting.

Sigh.
Frontal lobotomy?

*Man with the movie camera (1929)