I warn you I'm waxing sacred again

I don't understand religion.
Which is not a good way to say anything because what does that even mean?

Sometimes I think about that South Park episode where they're all in hell and someone says, "We were all wrong! It was the Mormons who were right!" Which kind of makes me smile a little because I think it's kind of funny. Because South Park did it.

But then there are things that make me sad. Do I dare air them publicly? There's the example from my friend B of being at a funeral and people feeling so sorry for the daughter who wasn't active in the church anymore. In my brain I know their reasoning. She didn't have the gospel to comfort her and to remind her that families are forever and what if she never becomes active again and never takes part in these eternal covenants? In my brain these ideas sit. But as much as I believe that families can be sealed together for eternity I don't understand making the judgment call that others may be happier or more sad than I am. That others may be more directionless or more purposeful. I'm even shy of reading in the Bible where God's prophets talk about the consequences of King David's actions. See, I can't even be more direct than that. I like David.

It seems to me that I've been taught that God is found in everything that is good. So how do I agree with people who dream of having a world full of nice Mormon neighbors for their kids to grow up with and like to point out things that are wrong or different when they could be focusing their energies elsewhere. Or understanding people better. Or seeing new things. I don't think church is supposed to stop you from doing that. I hope it's not.

I told someone recently that I never bear my testimony in church. That's not entirely true. I only bear it in Relief Society because then it becomes discussion, a growing thing. Last Sunday--I'm a Relief Society teacher, which was a really surprising calling to me because in my head I don't see myself as a class teaching person--I taught a lesson on the organization of the Priesthood. I was pleased because that day I didn't spend the whole morning wanting to cry because I was so nervous to teach. I might have felt like that the last time. This time my lesson ended up only being ten minutes which was perfect because of lots of reasons, and it was a good thing for me. I told them I was going to do my lesson backwards, usually people bear their testimony last. That day it was first because it's all I really had to offer. I told them I struggle, I'm made of doubts, It's never long before I'm drowning in new questions. But I believe in God, I believe in Jesus Christ and that leads me to believe there must be a Priesthood which is the power of God. I stumbled and stuttered my way through it but then we discussed that. Which is the way I want things to be.