must stumble less, or stumble differently

I had this meeting on Monday morning to discuss this short documentary I've been commissioned to make and during the meeting and reflecting on it afterwards I felt for the ten thousandth time that I really must do better at clearly expressing myself. Language you are so fun yet such a stumbling block for me.


Since this blog is––in all honesty––my way to practice being a real person, my dear Mrs. Pitcher, you shall have your wish. I will tell you about my life and my thoughts and strive desperately to make sense.


Having an office job is kind of like high school. I must be in a specific room for a large chunk of my day and lunch is at a set time. At least as a secretary I get paid and I can snack all day long. But two things have returned with this high school-like schedule: regular headaches/migraines and my thirst for science fiction/fantasy literature. I was starting to reread The Lord of the Rings (it's been 13 years) but my parents gave me The Hunger Games for my birthday so I've postponed LOTR as I assume Hunger will be a much quicker read.


Another thing has happened: I don't want this kind of steady fulltime work forever. I can't take it. I want haphazard, being my own boss. In other words, I renege, I'll try to make my living as a documentary filmmaker/otherwise strange artsy whatsit. I still plan on grad school in the near future––does it make sense to get an MLIS and then a PhD in film history? Whatever, if I get to doctorate level nothing will make sense and I'll dream wistfully of the carefree days like today when I was presented with five boxes of paper to shred. (But I'm finally getting into 3D drawing in AutoCAD!)


I never expected to run into anything that would make me want to go back to commissioned documentary film work. But there's another strange thing that happened. I filmed a short fiction piece for the theatre program here and while doing so I relaxed. Even during editing, I relaxed, no more of this making myself sick and incurably anxious, frazzled to my last nerve. I let go. I didn't know I could do that at anytime during the filmmaking process. Now, I'm heading back into doc territory with a manageable load of stress.


Oh, and at some point I will let you watch that short fiction piece and you shall see the doc. yes yes, you can see it all, just give me a moment or a month.






How did I do? Did I make sense?