I sometimes dream of being a construction worker or a plumber or a gardener. When I was younger it was a car mechanic. I have also at times dreamed of being a potter with one of those fire pit earth kilns, living abroad, and a farming ant or elf. This could explain how I'm 26, with a bachelor's degree, scrubbing toilets in France. Part of me feels I should have amounted to more by now. Shouldn't I have a full time, salaried, benefited job by now? Or be finished with my master's and have published several papers? And let's not even talk about the making documentaries thing. Nobody knows what's going on with that one, least of all me.
The 26 part might be the real rub. While I adore getting older because all of my life I've dreamed of being an eccentric 78 year old woman there's a problem. You see at 26 you cross a magic line where society expects you to be able to pay 10 times more for everything suddenly and while I don't believe I deserve a free ride, it just serves as a slap in the face that I'm still managing the budget of a child or a severely impoverished adult.
But I'm in France. I generally have no clue what's going on but I'm living abroad with the possibility of much European and Scandinavian exploring to be done in the next year and the plebeian in me is rather pleased to have some menial tasks to do. However the documentarian/artist in me is connected to the plebeian and now I'm realizing how much of my brain I need to spill forth to (1) get everything out of my brain and (2) to feel a sense of balance. I even feel incredibly inclined to pick up my camera and film people and then share those videos. Have I already told you about how blocked I've been about that for the past several years?
I keep returning to what I'd tell people at the beginning of my introduction into the film program, "I want to make movies that no one will see." And by that I meant I'd make them for me and put them out for public viewing with the expectation that there might never be an audience yet not giving a darn. That is a thing that will carry me through the next few years, I have a feeling.
So maybe (I can't even believe I'm sharing this idea with people), just maybe I'll rediscover the joy of being behind a camera and asking people questions.
What questions do you like to ask people? Do you have horrible quandries about doing things you love?
30 November 2013
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I like to ask people
ReplyDeleteall the questions
but especially the ones that are like, "tell me about a time recently where you felt most like yourself/alive" or ones that are all, "what motivates you?" But then getting them to tell the truth the REAL DEAL TRUTH in answering such questions...that's the challenge.
i feel the same about 26. who knew a number could hold such power that i refuse to accept?