Dad! Free french toast!
Dadfree's french toast.
I let nature run its course until last night when I noticed the ants on the kitchen floor. That was too much. I was stressed (as I often am and I often can't admit and I often don't know what to do about it which is why it's good I live with girls because girls talk about everything and so talking kind of rubs off on me. slowly. so so slowly. but I'll get it) and then I sat down in my kitchen with E and T and there were ants everywhere.
The ants are now gone and so are the webs in the corners of my porch-office.
The reason I started this blog is because I can't say things. Out loud. And because someone told me I was boring. Yup. I secretly started this blog and broke the secret by telling my parents and my sister and let everyone else find out about it as they may. It was easier to type things out in that melodramatic year when I was certain I was only typing to the abyss of internetting. And my parents. Because I'll tell my parents anything. They're that great.
I feel like I should be a stable person. I've always steered clear of being a female complaining about her hormones. Fact #597: I alienate myself from my femaleness because of stereotypes. And I'm disconcerted by emotions (mostly my emotions). Nope! Don't worry about me, guys, I'm calm and level-headed and I'm just going to keep my cool over here! I've got it covered!
But again, as I had to face a couple of years ago, I probably don't have it all covered.
Where does this all come from? Why am I a whirling ball of emotions? Why do I suddenly feel overwhelmed...No. What I really want to know is, why, since I know that I'm being ridiculous and that everyone feels lame sometimes and I know I can't be perfect and that everything happens in its season and so sometimes you just feel great and sometimes you just have to feel down and that's just life and it's ok and I can't even believe I feel so lame sometimes because I've basically got everything going for me right now, WHY can I not keep my cool? How come my brain has figured everything out and the rest of me hasn't?
Is it because I'm a girl? I don't even know, I feel like people have told me what it is to be a girl and I'm not sure what's going on.
Because I don't have a reason for ever feeling upset is it hormones? I've suddenly become so afraid of my estrogen that I'm terrified of birth control and I'm not even taking it but I'm stressing out over the thought of it. How does this make sense?
Sometimes, guys, I'm not at all pleasant, I'm a mess. I sound like a raging, self-pitying lunatic.
And I can't even believe I'm posting this. But here you go. Here's a crack in my armor. Armadillo armor.